How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I took a baby shower.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?