I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.