I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

My father was a small claims court jester.