Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.