How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?