Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.