Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.