Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.