My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.