Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.