I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Is it possible to be totally partial?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.