Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'