I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Do you have any toy train schedules?

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.