The speed of time is one second per second.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.