How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.