How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.