How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?