Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.