Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"