I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

A metaphor is like a simile.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.