I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

What a nice night for an evening.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."