I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.