I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"