I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?