I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.