I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?