Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?