Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.