It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.