When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.