When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.