99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.