When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.