When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.