When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.