I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.