I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Half the people you know are below average.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.