I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.