I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.