I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!