I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.