I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.