I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.