Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.