I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?