I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

A metaphor is like a simile.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Day One: Still tired from the move.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.