The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.