The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.