I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.