I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.