I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.