Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.