Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."