Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."