I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.