Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?