Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.