I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

I can't stop thinking like this.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."