I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.