I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.