Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.