Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.