Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.