Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.