I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.