I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.