The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.