The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Because I don't believe everything I read.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?