In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.