I took a baby shower.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.