I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.