I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

What a nice night for an evening.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.