Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I can't stop thinking like this.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.