A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

I was an only child, eventually.