I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.