I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.